understanding & living your true values.

Can you clarify for me what values are? There seems to be a bit of a blurred line between the things we physically love to do and social idealisms such as principles and beliefs.

Michael: Values come from two fields of science which are philosophy and metaphysics. The field of studying value systems is called ‘axiology’. Axiology is based on philosophy and economics which is really about the study of worth. When we look at what we value in society it’s not kindness, integrity, peace and love, as that’s a given, we all want those. The question comes down to, how do we define those social values and make them tangible through our choices and actions?

So values are physical, tangible things that we prioritise in our lives?

Michael: Yes values are our life’s priorities that allow us to feel fulfilled. These are the things that we attach beliefs, experiences and objects to, and then filter them through our brain. Every person has their own unique set of values and priority order. For example, I’ve got a high value in learning which I call ‘Personal Achievements’. Personal achievement for me is about achieving the most out of my life and helping others to do the same. Now someone else might have a high value in learning too, however they may apply it in a different way, as we each have our own unique value structure and ways of applying it to our life.

We see the world the way we see value in it, so some people might say “money’s not important, family is everything” and what they’re really saying is I have a high value in family and low value in money. Some people will see wealth and opportunity in the world and that’s because they have a high value of money, but they may not have a high value in family or relationships.

Nothing’s good or bad, there’s no right or wrong because all value systems are balanced in the world. We are all trying to find how we can be the most valuable in our society and to ourselves which creates our self-worth through our value system.

So our self-worth is linked to knowing our values?

Michael: Yes and what we are finding is because we’re so connected to the internet and social media, we’re now seeing the world in terms of value systems. For example, I might look on Instagram and see that buff guy with a six pack and say “I don’t feel like I’m good enough because I want a six pack like him” Now for all I know behind the scenes that person might have a poor relationship, poor friendships and spend 24/7 thinking about health, researching health, watching exercise & training videos and going to the gym. Then when this person hangs out with his mates all he talks about is gym, exercising and eating. I could implement that structure into my life but I know I’ll feel guilty because I have a different value system; training at the gym isn’t one of my highest values, so I’m never going to be really great at it, and eventually I’ll depreciate myself. Anything that you strive for that’s not congruent with your highest values is going to lead to self-depreciation.

I can totally understand that. For a while I tried to mould myself into all these different idealisms and gave myself a hard time trying to fit into someone else’s box. It didn’t work for me because I didn’t know who I truly was.

Michael: Low self-worth is created by prioritising other people’s values or by comparing your values to someone else’s values. When someone with low self-worth looks on Instagram, they might see a happy family with amazing kids, and think I’m a bad parent, or see a healthy person and think I’m crap at diet because I don’t eat a clean perfect diet all the time, or I have a crap body because I don’t have a six pack, or I’m not rich. The more they do that, the more they reduce their self-worth. Self-sabotage is basically a direct reflection of a person not prioritising their value system in the right order at any point in time. The goal of life is to build your own greatness and not try and be great for everybody else. When a person finds their values and truly believes their values and starts to live them out, then they will feel their
self-worth.

So ultimately, it’s about discovering who you are as a person, what makes you tick, what brings you joy and what’s true for you?

Michael: Yes so next question is, do people around you thrive when you’re happy and fulfilled? Or is your job here on this earth to do things for everybody else at your own expense? Many people feel like they have to be everything to everyone, which comes at a cost to their own happiness and fulfillment. Most people in society are co-dependant on others to feel good, instead of relying on themselves to feel good. They might try to blame others when they don’t feel good and say, “it’s everybody else it’s not me”, but that’s just taking the responsibility away.

I’ve never come across anyone saying that our job on this planet is to make everyone else happy at the expense of ourselves. Our goal is to be fulfilled and inspired doing what we love so we can inspire others to do what they love and appreciate them for who they are. You may get criticised by those who don’t live like that, but you have to decide do you want to live in the 5% of society who are masters of their wealth, health, mindset, relationships, friendships and their life? Or do you want to live with the 95% of society who become reliant on having a relationship in order to gain wealth, they rely on kids in order to look after them when they’re old, they rely on the government or society in order to look after their health who tell them you’re sick so therefore here’s a pill.

You must decide where you want a seat in this game. Because if you want to fit in with 95% of people then that’s the picture you’ll be fitting into. If you want to stand out with the 5% it means you’ll probably be criticised and unaccepted by the majority, but then wouldn’t you prefer to have self-dignity, self-worth, self belief and self-confidence?

I know I’m the best version of myself for others when I’m fulfilled doing the things I love. I thrive off it and others can feel it too, it lifts their energy. Reminds me of the airplane oxygen mask analogy – you can’t help others unless you help yourself first.

Michael: Totally, and that makes logical sense.

So how important is it to identify values in an intimate relationship?

Michael: I’ll use my relationship as an example. When I did my values, I realised my wife was #6 on my values list. Lucky when I shared this with her, she was savvy enough and said you’re probably lower than that on mine! So, we had a bit of a laugh.

But what we both realised is that when we fulfil our highest values we’re actually better together in the relationship, because we’re not narky and frustrated wishing we were doing other things.

We each respect that we need time to fulfil our highest values, which then gives us more time to be present together. For example, if your highest value is career and second highest value is wealth creation, third highest is health and fourth is relationship, unless you feel like you’ve worked hard enough during the week in your career, you’ve made enough money and you’ve had time to exercise and look after your health, then chances are you’re going to be thinking about money, working harder, going to the gym and looking after yourself, rather than being present with your partner, even if you’re sitting there on the couch together because you’ll be feeling unfulfilled thinking about something else. So, the job of a relationship is to support one another other’s values in order to gain quality time together.

So we really need to communicate our values effectively with each other and use that knowledge to work our relationship to its best potential. And it seems like it’s not just identifying values that’s important but having a priority list of them too?

Michael: If you take 10 post boxes numbered from 1 to 10 and ten pieces of mail. You get to decide which post box to put each envelope into. What you’ll find is most people will try to stuff all ten envelopes into the same post box which can only fit one. Now how do you win that game? You don’t. Most people see one value and convince themselves “kids are my highest value” and then “no my partner is my highest value” then “I’m my highest value” and “my health is my highest value” “no career is my highest value because I need to make money” and “money is important to look after the family”. What they’re trying to do is stuff those 10 envelopes in the one post box in #1 position which is being dishonest with themselves and because of that they don’t win anything.

What about guilt? How do you deal with guilt from the values list? I know I had guilt when I realised the order of my values may not align with expectations.

Michael: The guilt comes from another person’s values, it’s not yours. So, when you feel guilty its not that you’re doing something wrong, it’s that you feel guilty because you feel like you’re doing someone else wrong. Following your values is the right thing to do, because ultimately that’s how you’ll be the best version of yourself and that’s what people want, to thrive off you.

I guess an important consideration is when it comes to the end of your life and you’re taking your final breath, how do you want to feel? Do you want to feel fulfilled or full of regret that you ran the treadmill all your life for others?

Michael: Yes totally.

So in your opinion what is the best way to identify values? I realised after doing a values exercise that I had been surrounded by mine my whole life and the answers were there all along.

Michael: We naturally surround ourselves with our values. I have an exercise bike in the loungeroom of my house which I use regularly. The question then becomes why is that important to me and why do I put that in my space? I have an office in my house, why do I have an office in my house? Because business is important to me. I have another room in my house chock a block full of books because teaching, learning and study are important to me. You won’t find any children or kids’ toys in my house because kids aren’t important to me. When I travel the first thing I pack is my computer, why is that important to me? I use it for research, I use it for teaching, and I also use it for business. I also pack my gym gear first before any other clothes because health and fitness are important to me.

So, there are many key aspects you can look out for. What’s in your intimate space? What do you spend your money on? How do you spend your time? What inspires you? What energises you? What are the most common apps on your mobile phone and what’s the importance of them? They are the dead giveaways.

I notice when I surround myself with the things I love and carry out those activities I feel great, I’m energised and my head feels clear.

Michael: That’s because your body becomes more neurochemically balanced
when you live your values, because you’re in a more stable emotional state.  When you look at the neurochemicals in the brain, our thoughts and perceptions trigger our beliefs and our beliefs create stories that normally have meanings attached to them. So, when we trigger those beliefs, stories or meanings we have to get those thoughts out to the physical body through the neurochemical interactions.

Our thought processes or perceptions dictate the way that our cellular structures function, so some neurochemicals stimulate and excite whilst others inhibit or slow down. If you perceive the environment around you is stressful then that will trigger a neurochemical response in the body, and out of balance thoughts create out of balance physiology. Now when
you live your values you tend to be more balanced in your perceptions and thinking which means you’re more balanced in the way you live and how your body functions, so homeostasis is really just balance.

So values impact both mental and physical wellness?

Michael: Yes totally.

Identifying values can really have a huge impact on how you lead your life, how you interact with others, how you look and feel, what your environment looks like, there’s a whole flow on effect isn’t there?

Michael: We all see the ads and promotions that suggest if you want to be healthy you have to change your health and diet and so on, yes that’s part of the solution, but the biggest effect I’ve ever seen that has helped people to heal is their own mindset. You won’t outbeat that.

You could eat the most organic, beautiful, luxurious diet but if you’re stressed all the time and create a perception that the world is bad and that people hurt you, then diet is not going to help. Thought processes (the neurochemical response from our thinking) has a greater impact on our physiology than the nutrition we put in our body, yet most people focus on nutrition or they focus on exercise habits or they focus on yoga before they focus on their own thought processes. There are many people who run around saying how important diet is, but take a look at their health and look at their body, if they look tired and old then that is a direct insight into their thought processes. Thought processes are the perceptions that trigger neurochemical responses in our body.

Wow it just shows you really can’t supress what’s going on inside. Unlocking values is certainly a way of bringing more balance and understanding in life.

Thanks Michael.